


It's better

by Morethancupcake



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alternate Universe - Human, Angst with a Happy Ending, Depression, Established Castiel/Dean Winchester, Established Relationship, Fluff and Angst, Guilt, Insecure!Dean, Internalized Homophobia, Jealous!Cas, Jealousy, M/M, Therapy, insecure!castiel, very brief mention of Sabriel, writer!Cas
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-11-17
Updated: 2014-11-17
Packaged: 2018-02-25 19:30:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,864
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2633576
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Morethancupcake/pseuds/Morethancupcake
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>" Because Dean didn't take pictures now, didn't sing birthday songs loudly. And certainly not with him."</p>
<p>It's 4 in the morning, and Castiel is thinking about all that is wrong in their life. But then Dean wakes up.</p>
<p>(link to the wonderful art by linneart in the notes)</p>
            </blockquote>





	It's better

**Author's Note:**

> Art by linneart right here : http://linneart.tumblr.com/post/106937122870 
> 
> (The first one has nothing to do with this story, but we all deserve a cute Dean and Castiel kiss in bed.)

He tries to tell himself it's okay.  
He knew about Lisa, after all.

He knew damn well about Dean and Lisa, and how happy they were, and how happily married they looked from afar. And how it had hurt, at times, seeing them together.

He just didn't need the reminder. While Dean had been subtle, and only had a few pics of him and Ben around, this stupid website had everything. Everything, from Thanksgiving pictures to Christmas gatherings, birthdays and even a few videos he just couldn't stand to click on to see.

Everything was here, proof of how great these two were together.

Castiel sighs and turns to the window. It seems lately everything seems to remind him of Ben and Lisa. Of Dean, Ben and Lisa. How happy they were. How happy Dean was. Was. Because Dean didn't take pictures now, didn't sing birthday songs loudly. And certainly not with him. Dean who still hadn't said anything to his parents about them.

Dean who could hold him close and make him feel like it was okay. And then let go of his hand when seeing his ex, and letting all of the light in Cas' life go down. He had gone so mad once, when Castiel tried to take a picture of him. He can still remember the silence after the shouting, how deafening it had been. How still the world had seemed.

His tea is cold, and he nurses it between cold fingers. His fingernails are slightly blue, and he should do something about it, but being cold is kind of fitting his mood.

He should end this. He should end this right now. He doesn't really care about suffering, about the knot in his throat when Dean carefully avoid talking about Thanksgiving. About how he never asked if Castiel would join him to see the Winchester clan, how Castiel hadn't asked anything because they are smart like that. About meeting up with Lisa without telling him. About hiding the fact they are a couple. Or something close. He doesn't really care about all, he can deal with this. Like many times before, Castiel will just let himself be cold, have tea and write. Most of his last novel were written in this kind of transe, and his editor is still raving about it. People seem to like him sad.

He just can't stand the fact Dean was so full of warmth, of light, and Castiel seemed to destroy this beautiful soul that is Dean Winchester.

Dean, not looking at him in the eyes. Dean talking softly. Dean looking at him as if he was going to break.

 

"It's too early, come back"

Beautiful Dean, even at four in the morning. Castiel works better at this time, the rest of the world still, he can think. He used to feel so vibrant before, so ready to take on the world, write and write until all that was left was his soul on paper. Now he's just exhausted.

Like a giant cat, his boyfriend stretches and come to rest against his back, grimacing at how cold his skin must feel. Dean still toasty warm from their bed. Castiel's bed. He wonders, if maybe all he thoughts was their is in fact his. He tries not to think about it right now.

"What's in your head ?" fingertips on his temples, and he can't really lie. Dean must see the mac from where he is, so he must have an idea.

"I was thinking there's no picture of us." Dean mumbles something in his hair and waits for the rest. When nothing comes, he tries to catch Castiel's eyes. This is a dance they danced before, Castiel just keeps his gaze on the horizon and sips his cold tea. The second step is Dean grumbling something and then getting back to bed, or to the kitchen get coffee before turning on the tv and making noise between them. Castiel waits, keeping his hands on his cup. He learned before how empty he feels trying to keep Dean close to him. He doesn't do that mistake anymore.

"Yeah well..." Dean seems to hesitate, and them get a hold on him, hands gripping his hipbones, his chin resting on a bony shoulder. "I never was a huge fan of them. Lisa was." His raspy voice makes Castiel shiver. He doesn't know if jealousy could make him physically sick, but he feels like it right now. "I am sorry you know ?"  
Silence. Horizon. Tea.  
Dean sighs and hold him even closer. "I know it was a dick move, not telling everyone about you. Not acting like I should" He pauses, and Castiel can feel how warm his cheeks are against his skin. "I've been seeing someone, you know ? When I said I was going to see my parents, or Sammy. I've been seeing someone about all this."

Castiel is too shocked to say anything. He knows better than say anything. Dean doesn't talk about feelings. Dean doesn't do feelings. He tries to get away from the hold Dean has on him, to see his face, but Dean just shakes his head, and so he rests his hand on his lover's forearms and listen.

"There's things I need to tell you. Lots of them. I need to make amend, and I need you to work with me, because I am still pretty broken." His voice is shaking now.

"The guy I'm seing, Benny, he's good. Very good. Helped me clear my head, you know ? Before that all I could see was all the anger, and " A little laugh. Not the self-deprecating kind Castiel is used to, no. It's lighter in a way. "And now that I love you, now that I have you, I need to be a better man, Cas. And God I'm trying." Castiel doesn't move, doesn't even breathe, because while there's the love part that light something in his chest, there's the rest to focus on. He lets his fingers draw little pattern on Dean's hands, connecting the freckles together. He has all the time in the world.  
"Benny said I needed to think about what I wanted, and to start from there."

"And what do you want ?" it's just a murmur.

"I want to be able to tell you I love you, and I just did." He giggles. Dean Winchester giggles. "I want to invite my family for Thanksgiving, here, in our house." He marks a pause and breathe several time. Castiel thinks he can feel moisture on his shoulder, but he doesn't move. He's too scared to move. " I want to be able to hold your hand all the time and not be scared you're going to disappear on me." It seems to get easier now. Dean rocks them a little back and forth, still hiding his face.

"I want to do all the stupid shits people in love do, like freaking going to Disneyland or something. I want to see you laugh like when we were just together and I didn't fuck you up" He soothes the little jump in Castiel's skin. "I know I did. And I'm sorry. You have to believe that I am, fucking sorry. I'll grovel, I'll beg. Fuck, I'll do everything you want, but please, please, work with me. Come see Benny with me. We can work this out , Cas. Please."

With trembling fingers, Castiel puts his mug on the nearest surface and wipes his face.  
It's a lot to take in. A lot to absorb in one go.

"Please Cas ?" Dean is begging now, and is everything wasn't already surreal, Dean begging and crying is just too much to process. "I told Bobby about you, few weeks ago. I was too much of a coward to tell you, in case I wouldn't be able to tell my mom. But I did !" He soulds like a little kid, so proud of himself, and Castiel chuckles, a wet and sad sound. "I told mom and dad, and they were so happy it's ridiculous. I told you they love you more than me." Castiel is full on crying right now, and he would feel embarassed about the sobs, except Dean isn't in a better shape, and they're kind of laughing at the same time.

"I'll marry you one day, Cas. And we'll get a bunch of babies and raise them right. We'll get old and everything, that's something I want, too. But for now." Dean extract himself from his coccoon and makes Cas turn over in his arms. Fixes his gaze on him and Castiel thinks all the light is back in his world.  
"For now I need you to come see Benny with me. And maybe see him yourself". His eyes are worried, and Castiel knows Dean isn't the only one guilty here. Living with him can be exhausting. He still can feel the depression he fought for so long. He still wakes up someday wishing he wouldn't. He must've been hard on Dean, seeing him like this, and he did the bravest thing Castiel never had been strong enough to do. He takes his hand and kisses the knuckles gently, nodding. Dean seems so relieved, it makes him feel even worse, but he tries to put it aside. He'll talk to this guy, Benny, about it.

"I'll do anything you ask, Dean." His voice is so rough it makes them both wince.

"You promise ?" Dean doesn't look like himself. There's no trace of the usual cocky smug Winchester here. He lets himself be dragged back into bed, he lets Cas clean face with a cold washcloth, and accept he glass of water before wrapping himself around his boyfriend and falling asleep.

Castiel can't deny him this.

 

He wakes up alone, but to the smell of coffee and something that could be waffles, or pancakes. He spots his phone on the bedside table, and it's kind of odd, because he's pretty sure he left it in his study, last night. He grabs it and stares. And stares. The picture is a little blurry, there wasn't much light, but Dean managed to catch them together, curled into each other, sharing a pillow. It's not a christmas picture, it's not a blaring birthday song.

It's better.

 

CODA

"Did you check your facebook account lately ?"

An innocent question, from a too innocent Dean sitting on the other side of the kitchen table, hiding his face in his plate.

Castiel frowns and shakes his head, going back to his wonderful wonderful waffles.

 

Later on, after making an appointment to see Dr Laffite by himself, and in session with Dean, he remembers and logs in.  
He gets to the caption and suddenly inhales his warm cup of tea, coughing and trying to catch hs breath. He can hear Dean laughing in their room, and can't tear his eyes from the screen.  
The picture got so many like he's feeling dizzy. His parents liked it. His coworkers. His brothers. Gabriel oh God, Gabriel even commented, with something lurid and hilarious. Sam did, too, and if he was reading right, their brothers are starting to flirt right in front of everyone's eyes.

It's even better

 

**Author's Note:**

> Now on tumblr too, if that's more your thing : http://iwanttopizzamanyou.tumblr.com/post/110460015594/its-better
> 
> The wonderful art by linneart : http://linneart.tumblr.com/post/106937122870
> 
> as usual, it's the part I'm telling you very casually I really really enjoy likes, reblogs, kudos and comments. So yeah, if you're feeling kind enough.


End file.
